bianca, friends, friendship

The one where you lose a #squad member

I wrote this about 10 months ago and never posted but came back to it and it still rings true. Not ready to write about losing Bella yet but missing someone has been on my mind…

Breaking up is hard to do. Everyone knows that and millions of songs, books, movies, etc are based on that concept. It’s not rocket science right? But I think that breakups that hurt the worst aren’t the romantic ones. They’re the ones you don’t see coming. Friendship breakups.

Don’t get me wrong, losing a romantic partner absolutely sucks. You cry and bitch and rehash every little thing that every happened between the two of you to your best friend. You stalk their new love interests (oh please, EVERYONE does that) and make fun of their stupid haircuts or clothes or anything you can find to make yourself feel better. You stay in sweats and eat cookie dough. Then one day your friend slaps you, tells you to get your shit together and throw on some makeup, and you go out and get your “Stella’s got her groove back”on.

But what happens when the one who was your partner in crime turns into a missing person in your life? I’ve talked about how to know when you have a frenemy but sometimes it’s not having a bitch for a friend that ends things. Sometimes it’s just life. Marriage, babies, a new partner, a move, a job, it could be something slow that you don’t see coming. Sometimes it’s not bitch but just crazy which is also sad.

Maybe it’s because I am so happy with JoeyWaffles and know he’s the right guy for me and the reason it never worked out with anyone else (ugh I know so corny but true!). I guess I never look back and miss any of my exes. I miss some of my old girl friends.

Ironically two of the girls I miss are both old co-workers. Both are really similar and I met them during chaotic times in my life.

One of them was going through a lot and in a crazy relationship and we bonded. I was at my heaviest weight, taking a job in a restaurant after I graduated college because the ecomony was awful, and was lost in life. We both worked liked the same music, going out, shared a lot of smiliar values and what not. Life got really chaotic and she was a much bigger drinker than I (that’s not saying much, I rarely drink but still). After a time, the drama got to be more than the fun and she ended up quitting/getting fired from our job. If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant you know it’s a crazy world and you all have a bond and get close fast. So we lost touch. I have never met such a kind soul and who I could be completely crazy and ridiculous and who made me feel good about myself when not much else did. We are still fb friends and I am happy to see she is in a great relationship and doing amazing in her life. We’ve grown up so much in the last few years and while yeah, we could still try to hang out again, it would be impossible to recreate the easy and open and raw friendship we had. The saying that people come into your life for a reason and some aren’t meant to stay forever, that’s how I feel about this girl. I will always look back on our crazy adventures and smile and feel wistful. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t have stayed at that job and JoeyWaffles and I wouldn’t be together.

The other friend I miss, well that is more complicated. I worked this girl, was her boss and we spent hours and hours and hours together. Like multiple days in a row. We just clicked and talked about anything and everything. She is beautiful and drama follows her wherever she goes. She burned me pretty bad and out of the blue towards the end of our friendship and while she tries to reconnect now, I just can’t. It sucks. I would love to see her and laugh and enjoy the crazy inside jokes and easy rapport but I can’t forget how she turned on me and quite frankly a few other people. So it’s bittersweet when she tries to talk to me because I am smart enough to not get close or engage enough to get hurt. I wish we could just have the simple fun but that baggage and drama that comes along with it just isn’t worth it.

I am lucky to have amazing friends and so I don’t often get sentimental about my old besties but there is always a joke or song or something that reminds me of those crazy times. Remembering the first Valentines Day JoeyWaffles and I spent together as friends and then his ex showed up at midnight and I ended up drinking tequila at a gay bar in Boystown with a 10 minute notice to my friend, those are the moments I miss her.

I think that’s why people like sad songs. Because sometimes you need a reminder that if you feel sad, it means you felt strongly about it. Strong emotions mean we feel, we care, we invest part of ourselves to something. No matter the outcome, I wouldn’t trade the late night drives, crazy sing alongs, shopping trips, hours of nothing that always felt like something, well I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

At the end of the day though, as much as I miss the people who aren’t in my life, it just makes me appreciate the ones people who are in my life. Reconnecting with Kristen, Saturday Greyhound adventures and sushi with Alex, Criminal Minds and wine with Caroline and group texts with both Alex & Caroline, talking to Jodi every night, working out and crazy adventures with Carly, always laughing with Samantha, wine making and laughing at the boys with Sarah, and sharing my life with my best friend/sister Bianca who I have known over 24 years now. When I think of these strong and beautiful woman who have never let me down, who have strength and integrity and are so special, I know just how lucky I am.

Do you have a friend you miss more then an ex?

angry orchard, books, fall, friendship, halloween, happy, joeywaffles, monday, monday must have's, noshopo, velma, winter

Monday Must Have’s- Fall into Comfort…and the beginnings of Winter

Fall means thermal shirts ($9 on sale right now at Old Navy) and the leaves changing from green to reds and golds and it means dressing up for Halloween. It means rainy Friday nights cuddling with the pups watching Christmas movies (it was November pretty much so that’s totally allowed) and it means the transition to Winter. So just like sinking into a hot bubble bath, this weeks Monday Must Have’s bring comfort and relaxation to my life.

Work BFF– Everyone needs a work bff to laugh with, get water with, throw tantrums at, jump out at you and make you scream (okay maybe not this one), and have general debauchery and shenanigans. I have an amazing work bff and now we get to go through the whole30 together. While I already have a really amazing workplace, having my bff there makes everything better and means one of us is always ready and willing to go shopping on lunch or switch off Starbucks runs. Reading this article in the Huffington Post, there are a lot of great reasons having a work friend is actually highly beneficial to the office, so, really it’s your duty to find someone to have slop buckets with and eat at spider table. Don’t ask, just go find the Meredith Grey to your Christina Yang.

Smart WomenSome books just stay with you and this has been one of my favorites since I first picked it up. Set in Boulder, CO in the 1980’s, it deals with growing older, friendships, relationships, and has a great protagonist in Margo Sampson. Judy Blume is an honest, funny, smart woman herself and her writing never disappoints. If you want a reflective, fun, and comfortable story, this is the book. A great read, especially if you loved her other novels, Summer Sisters and Forever. Plus, sometimes I just want something real without there being something crazy or depressing or someone getting terminally ill.

Angry Orchard Hard Cider-This has been around for a while but as I say good-bye to it for the next thirty days, I encourage everyone to try it or keep drinking it. There are so many ciders out there and it can be overwhelming but this one is tops. Delicious and crisp and never disappointing, Crisp Apple is my favorite and Green Apple a close second. JoeyWaffles loves the Cinful Apple and I do have to say, it’s pretty tasty. I love it in all seasons but I do have a particular fondness for it during the fall. Great with some homemade chili, salmon, ribs, okay pretty much anything, it just always hits the spot without feeling like it’s alcohol. To be honest, I don’t even care about the alcohol as much as the great flavor and crispness.

I dressed up as Velma from Scooby Doo for Halloween at work and it turned out great. Last year I was Kim Khardashian and while it was fun, it wasn’t great for working in. By EOD I was wearing some Bearpaw boots with my little black dress, not very chic. So this year fun + function won out. 
Skirt- $2.72 from Ann Taylor Loft via Goodwill
Sweater- $3.99 from the Limited via Goodwill
Kneeesocks- JoeyWaffles bought for $5 from Ebay
Glasses- Borrowed from my friend Marta from her old Garth/Wayne’s World costume
Wig- $14 from Spirit Halloween
Shoes- $19 from DSW
Magnifying Glass- $1.99 from Party City

I am keeping the shoes since they were so comfy and on sale from $69.95. Everything I can sell or reuse (minus the glasses). Considering the Velma costume from Party City is ill fitting and $29.99 for a low quality product and doesn’t include shoes or socks, I consider it a steal. Jinxies!
What did you dress up for this Halloween?
What are some of your must have’s this week?

advice, frenemy, friendship, love, relationship advice

The NoShoPo Signs You Have a "Frenemy"

It starts. Maybe you met through a mutual friend, maybe it’s a new co-worker, maybe you take a class at the gym together. A common joke, a favorite tv show or cult movie, you “click”. You’re smitten.
No, it’s not a new boyfriend. 
I am talking about a new girl friend to bond over RHONJ, Couples Therapy, and the fact all your other friends are getting married/having babies/etc. A girl who reminds you of your grade school best friend combined with your college roomie. You start doing everything together and it’s like you’ve known each other forever. Soon enough you become besties and are crying on each others shoulders and telling inside jokes and know each others Starbucks orders. Because really, the older you get, the less people you have that magic spark with and so you try to keep it when you find it.
Then something happens.

You buy a dress and she suddenly has the same one. You eye a purse and the next day, she has the more expensive version of the one you wanted. Something good happens to you and you text her and she’s nowhere to be found except she keeps updating her facebook. Suddenly things are feeling a lot less Carrie Bradshaw and much more Regina George.

So how do you know who’s a bad apple? A toxic friend? How do you identify a frenemy?

1) Backhanded compliments. Does she says things like “I mean…if you like it…”? Remember, the pauses and tone are VERY important here. She’s not telling you to trust your instinct, she’s basically telling you it’s hideous but “too polite” to say so. First, if she’s really your friend, she’ll you straight up if it’s ugly or that she’s jealous if it’s amazing. No hidden messages. Second, if she tells you “you’re so lucky you don’t care how you look and can eat whatever you want”, she is calling you fat when she should probably be the one putting her McDonald’s down. Slow your roll bitch, I do care what I look like and if you think I need to lay off the Sprinkles cupcakes, just say so. 
2) Delusional but think she keeps it real. She’s the kind of girls that pins things instead of just saying them to your face.She think’s shes a take charge lioness but when she get’s confronted acts like an injured kitten.  She prides her self on being honest but will never tell you what she really thinks about you-she’ll just tell everyone else and when it gets back to you, swears it was misinterpreted. She’s delusional, about her looks, life, her changing opinion to reflect her current man and deep down she knows she’s a basic bitch, So she’ll do anything to project that on you or any other close friends.

3) She loves when you’re down but when you’re happy…she’s gone. This is simple. She’s always there for you when you’re down and you think this is amazing. What a great friend, always trying to give you advice and help you out with all of her “wisdom”. Then you get a promotion or engaged and suddenly she’s “super busy”. She wants to feel superior to you and when you’re happy, she feels insecure and threatened.

4) She does #3 because she’s insecure and masks it as in control. This is the root of a frenemy, the insecurity. You have to love yourself before you can love others and this bitch does not love her self. This is the part where you almost want to start feeling bad for her…until you remember how mean she can be. You can feel bad she has self-esteem issues (too low or too high, which stem from too low) but putting yourself in her path isn’t good for anyone but her. Because remember, letting her trim your hair and then seeing she’s taken 4 inches off, that ho ain’t nobody’s friend and she’s lucky she was holding the scissors and not you. I mean…continuing on…

It’s always sad to lose a friend but the scales of life say that if something is making you more unhappy than happy, like Queen B says,”to the left , to the left”.