This blog is something that’s not anonymous. My friends, family, co-workers, even my trainer knows it exists. While I don’t put everything in my life on here, everyone who experiences my life, knows this blog is something I really love. I decided I would have transparency and it has not held me back yet from saying what I want but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Whether it’s talking about my Hanes underwear preferences over Victoria’s Secret or just posting recipes I like or the trashy tv I watch, it’s a look into my life, unfiltered.
The hardest part though is having something I really want to say, for a specific group of people, and knowing that on here it’s open to everyone. I have to remember though, the people in my life (family, friends, co-workers) are completely supportive and amazing and they won’t judge me (unless it’s Paul and Alex and I’m throwing a tantrum). So today’s post is an honest, embarrassing, and hard to post but it’s been on my mind.
The weirdest thing about significant weight loss is the mental aspect. No matter how prepared you think you are, there comes a point where you’re thrown for a loop. It all seems so simple as first right? I mean, you just need to lose the weight and everything will be better and you’ll love your body and life will just be peachy. A lot of people find out this isn’t exactly true, that a losing weight isn’t a miracle cure for your problems. But…to be honest, this has actually been surprisingly really true for me up to this point. It wasn’t a miracle cute but things in my life have changed significantly. I have slowly and steadily lost the weight over the last two years. I got an amazing job, fell in love, and have been really happy with the progress my body has made. My life has actually just gotten better and better the more weight I lost.
I’m only 15lbs away from my goal weight and it’s terrifying. Up until this point, I have just been excited to see collar bones, watch my fingers get thinner (so weird!) and drop some pant sizes. Actually five sizes. That’s crazy to me! 85lbs is really a lot to lose but it’s been sp spread put over 2 years, it’s hard to really absorb that I’ve lost that much.
I know I’ve come a long way on the lap-band/weight loss right? I see the photos, my before and after’s but the journey doesn’t sink it sometime. Then, this weekend, I found a photo of myself two years ago in a bikini and was shocked. Jaw dropping shocked. I never saw myself that heavy. When I remember taking that photo, I felt attractive and didn’t care. I was at my favorite place and with one of my favorite people, my Aunt Susan. and we were having an awesome vacation. I felt sassy and sexy and to some extent, I see that I did my best to rock it.
When I see the picture on the left, I am so glad I made the journey back to health. I wonder how I let myself get that way. I don’t feel ugly but I feel so incredibly unhealthy. I can’t believe I lived for years with that weight. I keep looking at my hands, the way my hips are huge and padded. The way how my “confidant” pose isn’t really so confidant at all.
When I see the the picture on the right, I love how far I’ve come and that I am in much better shape but…I still see all these ways I can improve. I am trying not to be so hard on myself and remember that right now I am still continuing on my journey. It is long and there are ups and down but I have come so far. I love that I am standing straight, feeling sassy, and looking healthy.
I guess just some days I will always feel like the girl on the left. When I was at Target trying on pants this weekend and the size 10’s fit perfect, I was in shock and so happy that they fit but I also could see the flaws in my body in the dressing room. Maybe the answer to that is that dressing rooms clearly have the worst lighting ever which seems counter productive to me buying their clothes. Maybe the answer is, it’s okay if I have days where I feel bad because we all do but to keep on keeping on keeping on.
When people think that Lap-band is the easy way out, I can promise you it’s not. I currently have a personal trainer through LA Fitness to help me in the nest few months, tone my body and make it stronger. I eat unprocessed foods, follow the paleo diet, and try to stay accountable for my choices. Lap-band has been the best tool for me, on my journey, to health. It isn’t for everyone. Maybe for some people it’s just a mental switch to eating right and working out, Maybe some people take the RNY/VSG journey. But whatever path takes us to health, that’s the right one. When you seem someone who’s heavy you don’t know their struggle, so be kind.
No matter how much weight I’ve lost along the way, I have gained so much more knowledge about myself. I know that even if people treat me different, the only thing that has changed is my outward appearance. That sometimes just being able to write how I feel gets me more motivated to stay on this journey and to remind myself that I am beautiful and smart. We are who we are, no matter the size or shape of us.