So JoeyWaffles hates shopping in general but he REALLY despises grocery shopping. A lot of people do because you have the browsers who stop every two seconds, the slow movers, the picky people in the deli line, etc. Going to a grocery store during 5pm-8pm during the week is brave of you and forget weekend shopping, it’s all a nightmare. In my single days I did the 1am shopping on Saturday night with the Orthodox folks in my old neighborhood and it was a breeze. These days though, we always end up doing our shopping on Sundays. Daring and reckless you might say but that’s when we run out of groceries and it means I get fresh salmon for dinner.
So how do I get in and out of the grocery store and still have a smiling JoeyWaffles?
1. Have a list. Have.A.List. Seriously. I don’t think I can stress this enough but nothing will annoy your guy more then having to wander around and listen to you think out loud. He doesn’t care what you’re having or who’s coming over, he just wants to quickly pass by the produce section where old ladies are examining their fruit as if it’s a priceless piece of art and their lives depend on the perfect cantaloupe.
2. Organize your list by store layout. Most grocery stores have a similar layout when you walk in: produce, deli, meats, dairy, bread, etc on the perimeter. The insides have the dry goods. Try to group your list by department so you aren’t running all over the store, back and forth and pissing off all the people following the grocery cart flow. This way you can route yourself like GoogleMaps would. Don’t be like mapquest and make a twenty minute trip into forty-five. (did I really just reference mapquest and date myself? sure did. 31 represent.)
3. Do not linger. Get in. Get out. Stick to your list and don’t talk to strangers. Just find your items and move on. Simple. Efficient. You want to debate between which goat cheese is better, do it on your own time. Otherwise throw both in the cart and think while your pushing your way to the next product. You can always give it back at the register BUT don’t do this with all items and makes someones jobs harder by having a bunch of go backs.
4. Throw something in the cart just for him. We all know bribery works so throw in his favorite juice, a big steak, maple bacon chips, Angry Orchard, whatever floats his boat. He’ll be happy to have a treat and I appreciate having a 6’4 guy who can grab things and move people out of the way for me.
5. Let him pick the checkout lane. At least if he picks wrong, it’s on him. Plus, all I really care about is the candy selection and choosing between People magazine or the National Enquirer.
In all seriousness, these rules aren’t just for your guy/partner/significant other who hates shopping. These rules apply can apply to you as the grocery store hater or for your solo trips.
After all, you can just make #4 a treat for yourself.